Struggles With OCD

I'm under a lot of pressure right now. I was recently diagnosed with OCD. My father had struggled with OCD for 12 years until the doctors even knew what the disorder really was....some even told him it was an "adjustment to adult life." It's amazing now that technology is advanced, and the doctors have more information about OCD - for my father suffered and thanks to his faith and determination, he was able to get help before letting OCD continue to consume his life. He was out of work for about 8 months...he couldn't function at work anymore...the symptoms were so bad that he would cry, and have nervous breakdowns. I envy my father for his strength.

I have been diagnosed with OCD, and it's a struggle. I wash my hands so much that they are raw. I can't sleep at night if my garbage pails aren't clean. I can't go to the bathroom without thinking I am going to get a disease if the tiniest speck of dirt is on the toilet seat. I can't put my foot up on the tub to shave my legs without looking very close to see what my foot is actually going to touch, and immediately after, I need to wash that foot to be sure it's clean and free from what ever awful disease that is surrounding me. I'm afraid of mold, hair, dirt, dust, water spots...I could go on and on. I can't stand on the floor without fearing for my life that I am going to be ill from touching a fallen hair, or a dust ball, or a dirty tile. I can't touch the garbage pails in the bathroom without having to wash my hands again. God forbid I have to walk barefoot on my bathroom or kitchen floor...I stay on the mat in the bathroom at all times - socks or no socks. I feel nauseous when these things happen.

I wasn't able to clean my bathroom for the longest time, for fear of the germs by my toilet. I one day got down on my hands and knees and broke down as I cleaned the bathroom...to try and get myself through the agony and fear of what I thought would happen to me if I touched the germs below the toilet. Nothing happened, I'm still afraid...but I think I could do it again if I tried.

I can't go to a restaurant, and sit down comfortably without fearing the dirt between the rungs of my chair is going to "get me". Then I try to pin point what exactly I am afraid of...and it's at that point that I feel I shut down from myself....I can't think, because whatever it is that I am afraid of is too awful to even recognize. I get anxious, hot, nauseous, angry that I can't understand what is bothering me. Why can I sit in my car....drive to work everyday...in my dirty car....but yet I can't do something as simple as put my toes up on the tub to shave my legs? How come I can clean the cat box with no problem, but I am scared to death when I go to the bathroom myself, and I have to sit on that damn seat....IN MY OWN HOUSE.

Currently I am in counseling. I'm on Celexa and Buspar for my symptoms, but still I have these feelings. I hate this. I hate being this way. Often times, when I have a bad day, I go to church and cry, and cry and cry...wishing that God would just please give me an answer...or bless me to help other people through this. It's horrible, but there is hope.

I don't know if there is a specific message I am trying to send to anyone by writing this letter. If I can add to the fact that we are not alone. There are others just like you that feel the same way you feel. It's hard. I am a firm believer that God only gives us what we can handle.....and to tell you the truth, I'd rather have this, then to wish it upon someone else. I fear for those who are not getting help. It's a long road...but some OCD sufferers are confined to their homes. It doesn't need to be that way. It doesn't.

I am available to chat at my personal email address lildaisy_3680@yahoo.com if anyone needs help or has questions. I'm still in the middle of my battle, but I'm determined one to recover from this, learn from it, and cope with it - and you can do the same.

Article courtesy of www.suite101.com.